What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 03:43
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He knew the spot.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I think the readers, may guess!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
I said to her
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What smell will you never forget?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
She married twice! .
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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All the time i was locked up.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So whats the point in blame.
Im still living with it.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What did i know ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was scared of men, in general
Comes on , in middle age.
When she asked me how she looked .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My family never makes their pension either.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..